Many words come to mind when thinking of the letter r. For a start (as January is typically a month of fitness), resistance bands and resistance comes to mind. Religion also comes to mind, along with right and results. These words shall be the focus of today’s post, as it’s interesting to me to see how different things impact and inspire my life.
“Resist, resist, I mustn’t harm my wrist”
This little song goes through my head a lot during tough classes, as it tends to be the time when I feel negative thoughts trying to creep back in the most. It’s the fear of relapsing that brings such a song to mind, as I can often visualise/feel (not sure what word is more suitable!) the sensation of self-harm. This feeling tends to increase more when I’m mentally disengaged with what’s going on in a lecture, something I’ve been having a problem with a lot during this academic year.
But then again, I do have a bit of a habit of resisting things. Not necessarily in a negative way, more out of dissatisfaction. If I’m not comfortable, be it mentally or physically, I’ll try my best to remove myself from the situation so that I can be at ease and try again when I feel more prepared…
Which brings me onto religion. You can find out more about my faith here. For most of the last 2 years, I’ve managed to resist attending church. Not in the same way that humans resist urges; more to resist discomfort as mentioned earlier. My love of a slow pace and deeply formed connections is yet to materialise into finding a ward in my hometown, with a full blown panic attack being the last memory I have of a church in a large city. We’re all afraid of something, and that something in my case is being surrounded by groups of strangers. I just feel like an observer looking in and worry about making connections in such a transient environment I guess? I’ve never been a fan of large gatherings, so it could also be that.
It’s often made me wonder if it’s right for me to avoid church because of my own anxiety, as so much emphasis is put on finding a ward and your “group”, which makes me feel like a tadpole in a shark tank. That’s not to say that I don’t love my religion; in fact, I have a lot of respect for it despite my own trials.
Then comes results. My personality is that of someone who seeks results for the effort put in, which has its positives and negatives.
On one hand, this makes me very goal oriented, which is arguably positive. Although on the other hand, this constant quest for results is draining, as it makes you constantly dissatisfied. You always want better than what you’ve already accomplished, no matter how good it was. In hindsight, that results based mindset has flowed into multiple parts of my life. For example, when I receive academic results back in the next few days I imagine I’ll still seek more gratification regardless of the outcome. Similarly, I’ll always be seeking out some sort of result from church attendance; be it spiritual nourishment, a sense of belonging or just some kind of goal to commit to. It’s probably the wrong attitude to religion, but this is a lifelong habit to break.
I’m learning to not resist my religion, and hopefully, in the long run, the right results will be the outcome.