It’s been a while since I last posted and I thought I’d just do a quick update on where I’ve been/ what I’ve been doing over the last two months!
- Been there less often because of my health
- Been barely keeping up with the workload because of my health
- Become president of a sports club at university
- Competed in two competitions
- Finally fully explained to lecturers the extent of my health problems
- Had a relapse in depression for the second time in three months
- Had a return of rather dangerous negative thoughts
- Came off of my fibromyalgia medication
- Began to really grasp how dyspraxia affects my academic life
Ah, university… the bane of my life. The awkward situation about being at university is that I know the value of it as an institution; it’s a stage of academic growth in your chosen field of interest, but what happens when you’re falling out of love with it all? And what happens when you’re physically spread in so many avenues that often require you to be outside of the classroom?
I can only speak for myself but as a carer, I don’t always know the extent to which I’ll be needed on a daily basis, as health is forever changing. And no, I don’t ask for sympathy; gosh no! I guess I’m just trying to point out that the generic university life is very different from my own life, and campus-based learning doesn’t allow for anything external?
You’re supposed to enjoy this time of your life but instead, I spend it filled with dread about being there, and that’s before I even consider my personal commitments! It’s definitely taken a toll on my mental well-being, as I’ve somehow managed to relapse twice this semester, along with having suicidal thoughts. I’m thankful that I’m now in a place where I can recognise the changes in myself and the onset of negative/dangerous thoughts. Having said that, I do still wish that I wasn’t depressed in the first place and could be a tad more normal.
I’ve also recently managed to confess to my lecturers the true state of my mental health. In hindsight, it was a long overdue but necessary task, as I couldn’t keep up with the swan façade that it feels like everyone is doing. I’ve found that while reading anything I get easily distracted or can’t remember what I’ve just read, which is annoying when so much focus is put on reading. But I have to remember that it is a part of having both dyspraxia and ADHD, rather than beat myself up about it.
But onto the positives: I’m now a president! I decided to challenge myself and applied to be the president of the taekwondo club I attend, and I actually got it! I’m thankful for their faith in me and hope I can serve them well. It’s when I’m doing sports that I feel capable and most at ease. I can channel my nervous energy into a positive thing when I’m there.
Another positive (well I think it is) is that I’ve come off of my fibromyalgia medication! I didn’t really see the impact of it, so the doctor decided not to keep me on an addictive medication any longer. I might still have flare ups in the future, but I won’t know until it happens.
That’s all for now! For those that have been wondering where I’ve been, I’m back now and will try to start uploading more regularly again.
Thank you for your patience!