24. Learning To Be More Open

“The mind is like a parachute. It doesn’t work unless it’s open.”- Frank Zappa

Trying to get this post into words has been a challenge. Being open and frank is a struggle of mine. Not because I’m unable to string a sentence together, but because I want it to be the right thing to say. I’ve never really considered discussing relationships, be it friendships or something more, as there is safety in solace. But now the time has come and it will take me a while to get this all out coherently, so bear with me. It will be broken down into three separate posts (2. Accepting Fear) so that this isn’t too overbearing.

The Past

The past could be likened to doors; after opening it, it must be closed again to maintain some mystery. In opening so many doors as a child, attempting to form everlasting bonds closed by newfound distances, it in turn shut and locked the internal doors that once allowed myself to be open and trust others. I was (and still am) a safe when it comes to being open around people, even to those that I love dearest. Even after finding the right key, fingerprint recognition and combination code it would still be an ongoing challenge to prise me open. My intentions were good, in that all I wanted was to remain protected in case I got too comfortable too quickly. Change is inevitable, but nothing scares me more than the final goodbye.

The Present

At present I’m learning that being open holds its place beyond friendships, spanning to acquaintances, business and romance. The extent to which I open the metaphorical door depends on my intentions; by allowing myself to begin to trust, what is it that I want to achieve? Whether it’s for creating a degree of trust between myself and a member of staff, or for strengthening the important friendships and relationship in my life, I need to be able to justify my decision to trust.

I’m a master of concealing thoughts and feelings to avoid being open, but with a little time I am learning that trust doesn’t have to be terrifying. If I feel that I’m in a safe space to be more honest and upfront, then of course I’ll jump at the chance! Don’t we all want to be emotionally free in the end? I’m also more accepting of distance not having to be a reason to close doors, which I wouldn’t have considered when I was younger. Having strong bonds that cross both cities and continents has proven that, as these are some of the people I’m most open with.

I’m still scared of opening up and being totally honest at present, but I’ll get there.

The Future

The future? Who knows! Just kidding. I’m hoping that I won’t be afraid of being open, but at the same time not be walked all over for being authentic and honest. All I do know is that until I can openly accept my own character and quirks, then I will continually struggle with being open with others.

relationships

11. Dreamin’

In light of this semester being devoted to creative nonfiction, I thought I’d try and write a piece dedicated to dreams. This piece came out of a couple of recent dreams I’ve had recently. Let me know what you think in the comments!

I’m dreaming. Dreaming of five years from now and a possibility of a life with you. Forest leaves crunching underfoot as I walk to you; ivory innocence. There’s something so pure about it all, floating like nymphs on our way to destiny. Never shall I feel safer than I do now, close enough to bathe in your eyes. Then the image moves to you watching me adoringly as I enter the room in a crimson qipao (旗袍). 红色 (hong se). How lucky.

Passions mixed with passion fill this dream of you and me. Materialising dreams, or fabricating reality?  I don’t care, because I’m getting carried away and don’t want to stop dreamin’.

It’s when I fall into my mind that I want to be blind from reality. For a moment I can dream up all of your positive traits and leave negativity on the back shelf with reality. It gives me a chance to let my dreaming spirit and sensory overload unite into one.

And then my dreams shift. They shift to a point further in time where you still play a part, yet you’re less visible in this newer work of art.

I see myself as a carer; a carer for the innocent. I love the littles in a similar manner to my feelings for you, yet different at the same time. They are one with me in spirit, allowing me to frolick and be in their games.

I still am in awe of you. I adore you and all that you inspire me to be.

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