25. Accepting Fear

“Fears are educated into us, and can, if we wish, be educated out.”- Karl Augustus Menninger

This is the second post in my series on relationships. As previously mentioned, the time has come to get this all out coherently, so bear with me. It will be broken down into three separate posts (1. Learning To Be More Open) so that this isn’t too overbearing.

Fear graphic

I’m such a scaredy cat.

Putting my diagnosed anxiety on the side for a moment, I’m still scared of everything. Fun fact- I cried heavily (to the point of struggling to breathe) before building up the courage to get on the back of a motorbike. Fear has consumed a portion of me from a young age. As a child, being told off by adults was one of my biggest fears, as it would bring me to tears. Eighteen years of academia later and I still get like that; lecturers, I’m sorry– not sorry. I fear shadows that aren’t there in reality but are very much real in my mind; I fear finding bones in my food- a reason why I shouldn’t consume meat in my opinion and I fear prolonged loneliness.

A quick Google search has revealed to me that the latter fear of prolonged loneliness is in fact monophobia. That’s not to say that loneliness cannot be withstood, in the same way that many of my fears can be withstood. My fear of spiders can be withstood thanks to a handy gift from one of my best friends. I can withstand being alone if I know that someone will check I’m alive from time to time.

Moving Forward

As I get older I’m getting more aware of my fears. It’s also apparent that I need to be able to work with or around them as opposed to against them.

Of course, I can avoid public speaking for as long as humanly possible. But, I’ll never improve at it or conquer my fear of public speaking unless I try. In a way it’s similar to my fear of riding a motorbike; only overcome by trial. I don’t expect to completely overcome the fears that make me who I am. But if I can get even one fear under control then that’s good enough for me for right now.

fear

20. 20 Facts About Me

Hello and welcome to my 20th post! Today I’d like to tell you twenty facts about myself, as I realise that I have revealed very little about my identity so far. I hope you enjoy getting to know me a bit better!

Facts

Facts:

  1. I’m a Scorpio and born in the year of the Dog
  2. According to the Myer-Briggs test, I’m an INFJ
  3. I avoid nuts and dairy due to allergies
  4. I’m a picky eater to say the least…
  5. I dislike eating berries
  6. I love eating bananas (hence the name of this blog!)
  7. I love nature, especially forests and the sea
  8. I have an understanding of seven languages: English, Patois, French, Chinese, Korean, Swedish & Spanish
  9. I like making things; currently that involves building Lego kits
  10. I have a habit of collecting things, especially if I’m really interested in it
  11. As a child I had around 1000 books in my room
  12. I love martial arts and do taekwondo
  13. I have five tattoos (soon to be six!)
  14. I’m an only child
  15. I love writing poetry as well as stories for young children
  16. (According to one of my best friends): I’m a hugger 🙂
  17. I love cooking/baking and want to write a cookbook one day
  18. I don’t watch films!
  19. I can binge watch documentaries if I’m really interested in the subject
  20. I have Dyspraxia & ADHD, along with depression

That’s all I could think of for now; I hope that has informed you a tad more about me and why I write about certain focal topics! What are some facts about you that I would want to know?

16. Catch Up

It’s been a while since I last posted and I thought I’d just do a quick update on where I’ve been/ what I’ve been doing over the last two months!

University:

  • Been there less often because of my health
  • Been barely keeping up with the workload because of my health
  • Become president of a sports club at university
  • Competed in two competitions
  • Finally fully explained to lecturers the extent of my health problems

Health:

  • Had a relapse in depression for the second time in three months
  • Had a return of rather dangerous negative thoughts
  • Came off of my fibromyalgia medication
  • Began to really grasp how dyspraxia affects my academic life

Ah, university… the bane of my life. The awkward situation about being at university is that I know the value of it as an institution; it’s a stage of academic growth in your chosen field of interest, but what happens when you’re falling out of love with it all? And what happens when you’re physically spread in so many avenues that often require you to be outside of the classroom?

I can only speak for myself but as a carer, I don’t always know the extent to which I’ll be needed on a daily basis, as health is forever changing. And no, I don’t ask for sympathy; gosh no! I guess I’m just trying to point out that the generic university life is very different from my own life, and campus-based learning doesn’t allow for anything external?

You’re supposed to enjoy this time of your life but instead, I spend it filled with dread about being there, and that’s before I even consider my personal commitments! It’s definitely taken a toll on my mental well-being, as I’ve somehow managed to relapse twice this semester, along with having suicidal thoughts. I’m thankful that I’m now in a place where I can recognise the changes in myself and the onset of negative/dangerous thoughts. Having said that, I do still wish that I wasn’t depressed in the first place and could be a tad more normal.

I’ve also recently managed to confess to my lecturers the true state of my mental health. In hindsight, it was a long overdue but necessary task, as I couldn’t keep up with the swan façade that it feels like everyone is doing. I’ve found that while reading anything I get easily distracted or can’t remember what I’ve just read, which is annoying when so much focus is put on reading. But I have to remember that it is a part of having both dyspraxia and ADHD, rather than beat myself up about it.

But onto the positives: I’m now a president! I decided to challenge myself and applied to be the president of the taekwondo club I attend, and I actually got it! I’m thankful for their faith in me and hope I can serve them well. It’s when I’m doing sports that I feel capable and most at ease. I can channel my nervous energy into a positive thing when I’m there.

Another positive (well I think it is) is that I’ve come off of my fibromyalgia medication! I didn’t really see the impact of it, so the doctor decided not to keep me on an addictive medication any longer. I might still have flare ups in the future, but I won’t know until it happens.

That’s all for now! For those that have been wondering where I’ve been, I’m back now and will try to start uploading more regularly again.

Thank you for your patience!

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